The first thing to know about any abuser is that he is a normal man. There is nothing unusual about him, nothing to indicate he is an abuser.
Every abuser believes he has a right to control a woman. Their need to control is far greater than his capacity for love of the woman or the children.
Abusers don't forget about their abuse, they just deny it.
Abusers minimize the impact and effect of their abuse. They make it less than it is which makes us feel that we are over reacting.
Abusers blame their partner for their abuse. They may blame alcohol, drugs, their parents, their job anything but themselves to justify their behavior.
Abusers tend to associate with other abusive men. They invite support for their abuse from other people.
Beliefs of Abusers
- Anger causes violence!
- Women are manipulative!
- If I don't control her, she'll control me!
- Smashing things isn't abusive, it's venting!
- Sometimes there's no alternative to violence!
- Women are just as abusive as men!
- Women want to be dominated by men!
- Somebody has to be in charge!
- Jealousy is natural to men!
- Violence is a breakdown in communications!
- Men can't change if women won't!
Just how dangerous is he?
- If he threatens to kill you, himself, your family, accept the fact that if he gets desperate enough, he just might.
- Does he ever fantasize or ‘joke’ about killing you, himself or a family member? The more often he fantasizes or the more evolved and thought out the fantasy is, the more likely he is to act it out.
- Is he depressed? If he becomes acutely depressed, to the point he feels there is no point in living (for anyone) Watch out!
- Is he a drug user? If he gets drunk or high and then starts to fantasize about killing, he is more likely to do it.
- How is his temper? Does he fly off into terrifying rages?
- Does he have a gun or other weapon? Has he threatened to use it against you? Access to a weapon while drunk, high or simply enraged could prove lethal.
- Is he obsessively jealous or controlling? Does he view you as his property? This kind of person will not let go easily and is likely to harass, stalk and threaten you after you have left.
- Is he cruel to pets, siblings? If so consider he feels it’s OK to abuser those he deems weaker than himself. That includes you.
If any of the above apply to your situation, call your local crisis center TODAY.